Ugh

I'm a little worried that depression is setting in. I'm discouraged more than ever.

Many times before I've said that when I started this journey in July of 2010, I knew that weight loss is more successful and has longer lasting results if Donne slowly but I didn't think that it would take this long. Yet here it is,  almost 5 years later and I'm still 96 pounds from my healthy goal weight of 144 pounds.

To be honest, when I weighed 375 pounds I didn't have near the health problems that I have now. I'm on 10 mg of Zestril daily for high blood pressure. Five years ago my blood pressure was always 120/80. Now that I'm 135 pounds lighter, I'm lucky if that bottom number is under 100. Wheb I went to the ER for my most recent ankle injury, the bottom number was 124! (I do know that pain can make your blood pressure higher.)

And that leads me to my next issue. When I was at my highest weight, I never had accidents. Now, I'm on a first name basis with the staff at the local ER. In the past year I've had two sprained ankles  (and those were within less than three months of each other), torn cartilage in my right knee that still hurts often, my back hurts 99 % of the time, and so many other aches, pains and injuries that it's ridiculous.

Then there's all the random illnesses. I've had everything from a tick bite that still itches after the tick was completely removed nine months ago, sinus infections, bronchitis,  two rounds of the flu, and now my period.

Aunt Flow came for a visit on Halloween and is still here. Yes, the bitch is still here. I have an appointment with a new gynecologist on the 23rd of this month to have that looked into. Oh geez, no pun intended. Ew.

Through all of this a lot of my willpower has left. I was winning this battle. I was cooking and eating healthy. Now I honestly can't get enough of Pete's on 25's bacon cheeseburgers and macaroni and cheese. And the thing that's so stupid about that is that I'm lactose intolerant so cheese is a bad idea. And you woukd think the cramps and diarrhea and hours on the toilet would be enough motivation to keep me from eating it, but it's not.

I've lost "it". And the fact that it bothers me makes me believe that maybe, just maybe, all hope is not gone.

Everyday that I'm not able to workout because of my current injury, I feel guilty that I'm not walking or doing an aerobics dvd. I want to workout,  I really do. I want to feel those endorphins kick in. I want to feel proud of myself for getting off of my ass and burning those calories.

I want to not think about bacon cheeseburgers or macaroni and cheese. I want to get back to eating the broiled catfish, brown rice with cranberries, and baked sweet potato fries that I so dearly loved.

I honestly don't like me right now. But I love me enough to know that something has got to change, but I don't know how. It's not like I'm using my ankle as an excuse to not workout.

I went back to the doctor Friday and he explained how seriously injured my ankle is and it's gonna take a while for it to heal.

But I'm scared. I'm truly scared that when I do start working out again, it's just a matter of time until I get another injury. And as bad as the ligaments in my ankle are damaged, it's only gonna take me turning my ankle again for my ankle bone to break because it's not being protected right now. I'm terrified.

This post isn't meant to be a pity party. I'm just being honest.

Falling with style...the sequel

This story starts out just like the other falling with style post.

This past Thursday,  Mark and I drove to Clemson,  SC to check out the Old Stone Church Cemetery. It's a beautifully preserved part of SC's history. The man who Pickens County was named after is buried there. Many graves date back to the late 1700s, maybe even back further than that. I don't know because I only got to spend about 30 minutes there.

We were just taking our time, viewing the old headstones. Mark had went on ahead of me to check out some graves in a brick fenced in area.

The area that is fenced in is probably 20 feet by 15 feet. On one end there is an opening with a step down into the area. I caught up with Mark, attempted to step down and the next thing I knew was I was grasping at the brick wall and then I heard a loud snap. Yay.

Mark helped me up and to the car which was only about 100 feet from where I fell. Mark drove me to the ER in Anderson. They say it's a sprain. Im not convinced. This doesn't feel like any sprain I've ever had and the swelling is only getting worse. Kinda looks like a grapefruit on the side of my foot.

Why do I post this? Am I seeking attention? No. I'm posting this only to say that although I've had my fair share of injuries and illnesses over the past year, I'm not giving up.

I'm not sure what is keeping me from throwing in the towel. But my towel is still right here with me.

And besides,  I'd probably hurt myself while throwing in my towel! 😂

PS - this picture was taken yesterday.  It's worse today and I don't want to gross you out too much!

Falling with style...

My fiancé and I love visiting old cemeteries. Yeah, we're kinda creepy like that but we've seen a lot of interesting graves during our adventures.

Yesterday Mark and I went exploring at a cemetery that I had no clue exists even though it's only about 5 miles from where I grew up. We hiked through briar patches and other rough terrain for what seemed like forever. After 1.25 miles we finally found the old cemetery. Very interesting little spot.

On the walk back we decided to bypass the briars and go a tiny bit further into the woods. The walking was a lot easier since we weren't having to work ourbwaybtheough a lot of undergrowth. And then this monster of a hill came into view. 

I was already tired and sweaty (even on a cold January day) so the thought of my clumsy butt having to climb it made me want to lay down and have a temper tantrum. I wanted to kick and scream and cry. 

But you know what? I did it. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.

So why am I blogging this at 6 am? Because what comes us must eventually come down.

When we reached the top of the hill I realized that in order to get to the car, there was one last obstacle: the other side of the hill. I'm not so clumsy going up a hill but going down the hill is another story. There were pine needles and lots of fallen leaves which we're hiding some pretty big rocks.

Now this next part happened so fast that I'm not really sure how it happened. I remember that Mark was a few feet ahead of me saying how I should kinda come down sideways to keep from sliding so much on the pine needles. And then I figured out my own way down. 

As I was about to start my descent down the hill, I basically sat down (not meaning to) and slid. It was almost like sledding in the snow. It was fun and I laughed all the way down the hill, even as I slid under a fallen pine tree. At one point I was afraid I was going to knock Mark down but he cleared the path pretty quick.

Oh, but why am I blogging at 6 am on a Sunday morning? Because every inch of my body is in some sort of pain. My ankles are swollen which is nothing new. My left wrist got all silly yesterday thinking it could save the day and catch me as I sat down. Pretty sure it's sprained. And there's lots of other random aches and pains.

But Mark said the look on my face was priceless. The feeling that you have as a kid, sledding in the snow was brought back for a few minutes, and I burned calories. So it's all good. I'll survive, let my boo boos heal and do it all again soon. 

Five years ago when I started this journey I never would have imagined surviving the adventures that the new body and better health would allow me to survive. And it's only going to get better.

2015

So, I've been at this weight loss thing for 4.5 years. When I started this journey I had no idea that I would still be working on getting to my goal weight after all this time.

Was it a waste of time? No, not at all. When I started this I weighed 375 pounds. As of my last weigh in, I've lost 143 pounds. It definitely hasn't been a waste of time. 

Do I have any regrets? Yes. I regret not starting this effort many years ago. I really hate that I've spent most of my adult life as a morbidly obese person. But you know what? The rest of my life is going to be spent as a healthy person.

I've hit some snags along the way. I've had several injuries that have kept me inactive. The day before Christmas Eve, Mark came home and I was gonna help him bring stuff in from the car that he had bought while Christmas shopping after work. I stepped out onto our front porch. My left leg went forward but my right leg decided it wanted to go behind me. I landed on my leg, with my back landing on the doorstep. I sprained my ankle and had other boo boos. My ankle still swells daily.

And illnesses. I've had more than my share of those. Just in the past 3 months I've had the flu twice. 

But the biggest snag was losing my willpower. If you've followed my progress over these past 4.5 years, you remember how I never backed down, I had a ton of determination, I just got out there and did it. I lost it though. And I want it back. I miss it and it belongs to me. 😉

I do have new inspiration though. A date hasn't been set yet but Mark and I are getting married. You already know that but it's my new inspiration. Mark sees me everyday in this body but on the day that we say "I do" I want to look better than I've looked my entire life.

Yes, I've said since day one that it's not about looks, it's about my health. Well, it still is but now it's so much more. 

And no, to those of you picking this post apart, he's never once complained about my looks, weight, etc. He loves me 100%, 24/7, 365.

Let's do this!