Ugh

I'm a little worried that depression is setting in. I'm discouraged more than ever.

Many times before I've said that when I started this journey in July of 2010, I knew that weight loss is more successful and has longer lasting results if Donne slowly but I didn't think that it would take this long. Yet here it is,  almost 5 years later and I'm still 96 pounds from my healthy goal weight of 144 pounds.

To be honest, when I weighed 375 pounds I didn't have near the health problems that I have now. I'm on 10 mg of Zestril daily for high blood pressure. Five years ago my blood pressure was always 120/80. Now that I'm 135 pounds lighter, I'm lucky if that bottom number is under 100. Wheb I went to the ER for my most recent ankle injury, the bottom number was 124! (I do know that pain can make your blood pressure higher.)

And that leads me to my next issue. When I was at my highest weight, I never had accidents. Now, I'm on a first name basis with the staff at the local ER. In the past year I've had two sprained ankles  (and those were within less than three months of each other), torn cartilage in my right knee that still hurts often, my back hurts 99 % of the time, and so many other aches, pains and injuries that it's ridiculous.

Then there's all the random illnesses. I've had everything from a tick bite that still itches after the tick was completely removed nine months ago, sinus infections, bronchitis,  two rounds of the flu, and now my period.

Aunt Flow came for a visit on Halloween and is still here. Yes, the bitch is still here. I have an appointment with a new gynecologist on the 23rd of this month to have that looked into. Oh geez, no pun intended. Ew.

Through all of this a lot of my willpower has left. I was winning this battle. I was cooking and eating healthy. Now I honestly can't get enough of Pete's on 25's bacon cheeseburgers and macaroni and cheese. And the thing that's so stupid about that is that I'm lactose intolerant so cheese is a bad idea. And you woukd think the cramps and diarrhea and hours on the toilet would be enough motivation to keep me from eating it, but it's not.

I've lost "it". And the fact that it bothers me makes me believe that maybe, just maybe, all hope is not gone.

Everyday that I'm not able to workout because of my current injury, I feel guilty that I'm not walking or doing an aerobics dvd. I want to workout,  I really do. I want to feel those endorphins kick in. I want to feel proud of myself for getting off of my ass and burning those calories.

I want to not think about bacon cheeseburgers or macaroni and cheese. I want to get back to eating the broiled catfish, brown rice with cranberries, and baked sweet potato fries that I so dearly loved.

I honestly don't like me right now. But I love me enough to know that something has got to change, but I don't know how. It's not like I'm using my ankle as an excuse to not workout.

I went back to the doctor Friday and he explained how seriously injured my ankle is and it's gonna take a while for it to heal.

But I'm scared. I'm truly scared that when I do start working out again, it's just a matter of time until I get another injury. And as bad as the ligaments in my ankle are damaged, it's only gonna take me turning my ankle again for my ankle bone to break because it's not being protected right now. I'm terrified.

This post isn't meant to be a pity party. I'm just being honest.